What have I become?
I have become a shell... devoid of care or understanding. I live basely as an animal, my relationships in the physical, my thoughts in the present, my life for the now. God, Marriage, Religion, humanity, purpose, commitment, compassion? Gone. Replaced with narcissism, pessimism, egoism, self-interest, and self-serving purpose. Saving, planning, working, focusing, achieving? Lost with the moment. Growth? Ended. Why? I released myself from the shackles of society, and the shackles of my mind. I felt good, alive, strong and empowered. No longer quiet and meek, smirked at, and scoffed at in spite of my good fortune. No longer assumptions made, that this one would always follow the path. That this one would always be faithful, that this one would not suffer from infidelity.
There was always a breach, a schism, a disconnect. Something remains irreconcilable. Do I love her? Have I ever? Will I ever? I suspect the answer lies not in a yes, a no, nor even a maybe... There are colors and depths to every relationship. I have placed a pallor over this one. Her brightness has been dimmed. Her days will never be as sunny again. That is my fault, my shame, my grief. And yet I live. A shell.
Do I want to come back, what is the point, what is the purpose? What do I believe? I was asked to step out of myself, to consider myself from without. What I saw looked strong, successful, attractive, had money, and women ( are they to be included in the definition of success?). What I saw was a facsimile, a carbon-copy of society's definition of success. Did I believe my ascent was at an end? That it was time to cash in my chips because I had no where further to go? I claimed to be looking for friends, found a lover, and damaged a love. Or was I looking for a lover, in order to change a love into a friendship? What was my point?
I have released myself? From what? I have become the unthinking... Do I want help? Do I want purpose? Do I want this love, in this way? I cannot leave, I cannot send her away, I cannot stay as she would have me. In her I see beauty, grace, compassion, strength, kindness, power, ability, intellect, immeasurable potential. I also see weakness, lack of purpose, unattractiveness, fear, self-doubt, apathy. Someone wasting away, someone meaningless and pathetic. In her I see myself. We have become one, we are weak. She gives me strength, but I cannot (have not) given her the same. She doesn't seem to gain energy from me, the way I do from her. Maybe I became sad. Maybe I became sad. But am I trying to lay blame at her feet? She was not the reason for my selfishness. Or was she? Was I taken? Did I give myself to her? How can I have her and be free? That is what I want. I want her love. I want to see her be strong, be independent, be herself in a way she and I have only discussed, and I have only imagined. I want to see her glorious, I want to see her rise. So why did I hit her so hard? She says that I have clipped her wings... but even before that she never flew. Why can't she fly? Maybe I feel that I have gotten in her way. She throws me into the sky, and smiles and says I believe in you, but a tear falls from her cheek when I remove the shackle from my neck. I can only fly when truly free. She seems afraid to fly with me. She has always seemed afraid.
I am unfair to her. She has raised my children as I asked. She has changed her body as I asked. She has prepared gourmet meals as I asked. She has loved me, physically as I asked. She is perfect, she is also perfectly flawed. Is this her failing or mine? She strives to be the perfect wife, and I want to see her be her perfect self. I want to know the individual that she is, I want to see what she is truly capable of. I want to be amazed by her. I don't need the perfect wife, I can very much do and take care of myself. I want to love her for who she is, not what she does for me. But she does not give me the chance. I have found my answer. I understand my frustration.
There was always a breach, a schism, a disconnect. Something remains irreconcilable. Do I love her? Have I ever? Will I ever? I suspect the answer lies not in a yes, a no, nor even a maybe... There are colors and depths to every relationship. I have placed a pallor over this one. Her brightness has been dimmed. Her days will never be as sunny again. That is my fault, my shame, my grief. And yet I live. A shell.
Do I want to come back, what is the point, what is the purpose? What do I believe? I was asked to step out of myself, to consider myself from without. What I saw looked strong, successful, attractive, had money, and women ( are they to be included in the definition of success?). What I saw was a facsimile, a carbon-copy of society's definition of success. Did I believe my ascent was at an end? That it was time to cash in my chips because I had no where further to go? I claimed to be looking for friends, found a lover, and damaged a love. Or was I looking for a lover, in order to change a love into a friendship? What was my point?
I have released myself? From what? I have become the unthinking... Do I want help? Do I want purpose? Do I want this love, in this way? I cannot leave, I cannot send her away, I cannot stay as she would have me. In her I see beauty, grace, compassion, strength, kindness, power, ability, intellect, immeasurable potential. I also see weakness, lack of purpose, unattractiveness, fear, self-doubt, apathy. Someone wasting away, someone meaningless and pathetic. In her I see myself. We have become one, we are weak. She gives me strength, but I cannot (have not) given her the same. She doesn't seem to gain energy from me, the way I do from her. Maybe I became sad. Maybe I became sad. But am I trying to lay blame at her feet? She was not the reason for my selfishness. Or was she? Was I taken? Did I give myself to her? How can I have her and be free? That is what I want. I want her love. I want to see her be strong, be independent, be herself in a way she and I have only discussed, and I have only imagined. I want to see her glorious, I want to see her rise. So why did I hit her so hard? She says that I have clipped her wings... but even before that she never flew. Why can't she fly? Maybe I feel that I have gotten in her way. She throws me into the sky, and smiles and says I believe in you, but a tear falls from her cheek when I remove the shackle from my neck. I can only fly when truly free. She seems afraid to fly with me. She has always seemed afraid.
I am unfair to her. She has raised my children as I asked. She has changed her body as I asked. She has prepared gourmet meals as I asked. She has loved me, physically as I asked. She is perfect, she is also perfectly flawed. Is this her failing or mine? She strives to be the perfect wife, and I want to see her be her perfect self. I want to know the individual that she is, I want to see what she is truly capable of. I want to be amazed by her. I don't need the perfect wife, I can very much do and take care of myself. I want to love her for who she is, not what she does for me. But she does not give me the chance. I have found my answer. I understand my frustration.
posted by The Unthinking... at 4:01 AM
