What have I become?

I have become a shell... devoid of care or understanding. I live basely as an animal, my relationships in the physical, my thoughts in the present, my life for the now. God, Marriage, Religion, humanity, purpose, commitment, compassion? Gone. Replaced with narcissism, pessimism, egoism, self-interest, and self-serving purpose. Saving, planning, working, focusing, achieving? Lost with the moment. Growth? Ended. Why? I released myself from the shackles of society, and the shackles of my mind. I felt good, alive, strong and empowered. No longer quiet and meek, smirked at, and scoffed at in spite of my good fortune. No longer assumptions made, that this one would always follow the path. That this one would always be faithful, that this one would not suffer from infidelity.

There was always a breach, a schism, a disconnect. Something remains irreconcilable. Do I love her? Have I ever? Will I ever? I suspect the answer lies not in a yes, a no, nor even a maybe... There are colors and depths to every relationship. I have placed a pallor over this one. Her brightness has been dimmed. Her days will never be as sunny again. That is my fault, my shame, my grief. And yet I live. A shell.

Do I want to come back, what is the point, what is the purpose? What do I believe? I was asked to step out of myself, to consider myself from without. What I saw looked strong, successful, attractive, had money, and women ( are they to be included in the definition of success?). What I saw was a facsimile, a carbon-copy of society's definition of success. Did I believe my ascent was at an end? That it was time to cash in my chips because I had no where further to go? I claimed to be looking for friends, found a lover, and damaged a love. Or was I looking for a lover, in order to change a love into a friendship? What was my point?

I have released myself? From what? I have become the unthinking... Do I want help? Do I want purpose? Do I want this love, in this way? I cannot leave, I cannot send her away, I cannot stay as she would have me. In her I see beauty, grace, compassion, strength, kindness, power, ability, intellect, immeasurable potential. I also see weakness, lack of purpose, unattractiveness, fear, self-doubt, apathy. Someone wasting away, someone meaningless and pathetic. In her I see myself. We have become one, we are weak. She gives me strength, but I cannot (have not) given her the same. She doesn't seem to gain energy from me, the way I do from her. Maybe I became sad. Maybe I became sad. But am I trying to lay blame at her feet? She was not the reason for my selfishness. Or was she? Was I taken? Did I give myself to her? How can I have her and be free? That is what I want. I want her love. I want to see her be strong, be independent, be herself in a way she and I have only discussed, and I have only imagined. I want to see her glorious, I want to see her rise. So why did I hit her so hard? She says that I have clipped her wings... but even before that she never flew. Why can't she fly? Maybe I feel that I have gotten in her way. She throws me into the sky, and smiles and says I believe in you, but a tear falls from her cheek when I remove the shackle from my neck. I can only fly when truly free. She seems afraid to fly with me. She has always seemed afraid.

I am unfair to her. She has raised my children as I asked. She has changed her body as I asked. She has prepared gourmet meals as I asked. She has loved me, physically as I asked. She is perfect, she is also perfectly flawed. Is this her failing or mine? She strives to be the perfect wife, and I want to see her be her perfect self. I want to know the individual that she is, I want to see what she is truly capable of. I want to be amazed by her. I don't need the perfect wife, I can very much do and take care of myself. I want to love her for who she is, not what she does for me. But she does not give me the chance. I have found my answer. I understand my frustration.

Wow made some big mistakes in 2006.

Need I say more?

Damn can't win for winning...

Its hard making friends in Cali. Our looks seem to definitely factor into our diminished friendships. One of three things happen, - we intimidate people straight up (never get invited over), people come on to me or Krista (they never get envited back), or folks worry that we are or will be coming on to their spouses (we never get invited back).

This results in my friends generally being determined by a few factors...

There are the unltra sweet but horribly ugly friends, the ultra-religious friends (bordering on conservative wackos), the fine but so far away that nothing would ever happen which gives everyone time to figure out that we are just very blessed people and really don't trip friends, and friends that we had for years but moved away from friends. Or the "please tell your husband not to call and talk to me because it makes me uncomfortable" (also known as the - ain't that a bitch friends) and these were actually our best friends we've had made so far in the local area - who just moved to LA.

5 years I've lived here. In 5 years, I've earned more money than I could have thought of. I've held it down with a family of 5. I've kept my game intact. I've got a bunch of toys. I've remained young looking. And I have one friend, who never calls and never comes over.

WTF. One.

Why I play games?

I am a gaming addict it seems. I purchase games and never take them out of the box, just because the reviews for them are so glowing. I have games ranging from pong to the most recent MORPG. On my portable computer I probably have my 20 favorite games of all time. However, what I have to ask myself and think about is why I play games, what do I expect to find there, and why do I so often seek that form of escape from my own reality.

I suspect that games are simply a way to quiet an overactive mind, a mind that must constantly be "doing something" or risk crashing itself upon the rocks of boredom and aggrevation. However, to further extend that conclusion, seems to indicate that there is nothing "better to think about". And that games are the best outlet for a overactive mind. Of course the question is - well why not think? Which leads to - what is there to think about? Which in itself seems to be well worth considering as a though. So here are the top 10 things that I can think to think about.

1. What is there to think about?
2. What is the most valuable / purposeful thing to do with my life?
3. What is the most generous thing to do with my life?
4. What are 3 things of "lasting value" that I can give my children for Christmas.
5. Who are the 4 people who need me most, and what do they need from me?
6. Who are the three people that I need the most, and what do I need from them.
7. Who can I be the most generous too?
8. What are the five most dangerous thoughts / beliefs to me?
9 What are the five most profitable thoughts to me?
10. What one thing must/aught I do today that I should but don't do everyday?

How much of our time is spent in pursuing fictions? Games, television, fictional books... How much is spent pursuing truth? Searching for the face of God, the face of Good, contributing, improving ourselves, improving others?

If I in fact choose to think about important things rather than distract myself, what is the loss/benefit ratio? Whom will benefit and whom will lose? And if everyone subscribed to such a policy, what would the results be?

I am about to descend into "the longest journey" I hope my wind will shake itself loose in a bit to think once again.

On Karma...

I don't believe in Karma, or a universal force that works to give good to the good and send bad to the bad. I do believe in paying the piper though. Put simply people who repeatedly do evil or bad things to other people, eventually either do it to the wrong person or at the wrong time. And then then- well then it is time for payment. Now the real question is, over time do the rewards of doing wrong exceed the detriments of the occasional payments?

Somewhat unfortunately, material success, is the yardstick by which we usually measure whether something is worth it or not. I think if we look at the typical examples of Exxon CEO's and Martha Stewart we see people who were willing to defraud large numbers of others for millions and even billions and then serve 1-10 years in a minimum security prison, then to return to mega richness - in these examples the answer is simple. The piper's price is a reasonable one.

However, I think that when we look at the high rates of divorce, the high numbers of people in prison, the amount of dissatisfaction, self-loathing, obesity, alcoholism, drug abuse, and any other examples of a weakened or destroyed human spirit we may need to think otherwise.

We all make mistakes, which need to be paid for at times. However a continual effort to get over or by has to take its toll on one's psyche. Corrupting their mind and their experience. Those that deal with them over time sense this corruption, and either distance themselves from it or are attracted to it. Those attracted are either already corrupted or will become corrupt by association. But eventually the extra burden of the wrong they do weighs them down too greatly and they lose.

A little later in the day I came across this passage - From the Education of Henry Adams -

"The boy took to it instinctively. The broad Potomac and the coons in the trees, the bandanas and the box-hedges, the bedrooms upstairs and the porch outside, even Martha Washington herself in memory, were as natural as the tides and the May sunshine; he had only enlarged his horizon a little; but he never thought to ask himself or his father how to deal with the moral problem that deduced George Washington from the sum of all wickedness. In practice, such trifles as contradictions in principle are easily set aside; the faculty of ignoring them makes the practical man; but any attempt to deal with them seriously as education is fatal. Luckily Charles Francis Adams never preached and was singularly free from cant. He may have had views of his own, but he let his son Henry satisfy himself with the simple elementary fact that George Washington stood alone."

How does the human species manage to turn a "blind eye" on blatantly disharmonious thoughts? How could one speak, fight and be willing to die for freedom and be a slave holder? How can one fight, and cry for women's rights and turn a hard, murderous heart on the unborn? How can the Christian love the fellow Christian and American and support the slaughter and maiming of innocents elsewhere? How could Hitler and Stalin, and Ganges Khan kill so many of their own? How was George Bush (re)elected? How can we continue to rape our planet, while at the same time beginning to feel her pain. How do we believe that we can satiate our lust for revenge - and not create the same need within those who were the recipients of our hate?

How are these issues being measured? How are our "conclusions" formed so strongly with regards to them. What measuring stick is being used? It seems that either a lack of absolutes leads to evil, or absolutes themselves lead to evil. And yet that statement itself allows for a large analysis of gray areas.

Am I in here?

"This is my body. And I can do whatever I want to it. I can push it. Study it. Tweak it. Listen to it. Everybody wants to know what I'm on. What am I on? I'm on my bike busting my ass six hours a day. What are you on?" ~Lance Armstrong.

Wow!!!

I stepped on the scale a few days back and felt a pang of shock, fear and frustration. 201 pounds!!! When , who, why,how? Me, no way I am a workout-aholic. Then I stopped and thought for a minute, beer, oreos, didn't I fall off my bike and nearly kill myself. O and I couldn't run much after the family planning operation. So yeah realistically I should have expected to have gained a little weight. Ok, now I don't feel quite as bad... But wait 201? How the heck did I go from weighing 135 pounds when I was 23 to weighing 201 points at 33? Especially when I was 185 at thirty and trying to loose 10 pounds. Something is perhaps amiss. Or maybe not.

Ok, so here is the deal as I get older, I know that my metabolism will slow. Hence I can either accept a continual gain of bodyfat over time, or I can redouble my efforts to counter that effect. I have chosen the later and found this excellent article to detail the process.

http://forums.johnstonefitness.com/showthread.php?t=1222

So these are my stats as I've calculated them:

2190 (bmr)
I need to consume 2895 - 2400 calories to loose 1-2 pounds a week.
Of those calories 800 calories should be from protein a 27% protein intake.
About 580 calories would be from fat 20%
And the remaining 1534 calories from carbs 53%
I should drink about 1 gallon of water a day. 8 glasses. Man that is a lot.

I weighted myself this morning and was 197... I seem to be moving in the right direction.

A Journey resumed...

I remember fancying myself a neo-renaissance man as a young teen. I wanted to be well versed at a variety of things. And everything that I did I wanted to do well. At some point between my teen years and this present state of adulthood, I put down that quest, and descended into resignation, acceptance, and mind numbing passage of time. I simply existed without much point or purpose. I now find that I am a husband, a father, and a good one at that. But I am not an example... I would not put myself out there as someone that I would want my children to become. I have accepted the life of the spectator, content to watch and not be seen... in a state of mindfully waiting for my own passage.

That is not me, not my destiny, not my purpose and not my journey. I need to live. I am picking up many of the things that I have put down. I imagine that they will feel like somewhat of a burden to me initially, their weight unfamiliar upon my frame now weakened from disuse. And yet I believe there to be strength... I believe that there is something that was once sought that remains to be found and cherished.

I begin my walk with a set of goals:

1. I will read the 200 works referenced on this site. I imagine that there may be quite a bit of overlap, so in truth the least number of books to read will be 100. I am looking for the nuggets of gold hidden in books. I'm unsure what I will do with them, but I will begin with finding them and see if I or another can appreciate their value going forward: http://www.randomhouse.com/modernlibrary/100bestnonfiction.html

2. I will get down to a lean stomach. I could phrase this differently, but in essence - I believe that my health is key to my enjoyment of life, and my ability to think clearly. If I am concerned or spending an inordinate amount of time trying to repair the vessel, I don't expect that I will be making great strides towards my journey.

3. I have integrated a devotional into my desktop. Since I start most days logging on to my PC. What better way to start it than with another man's interpretation of the supposed word of the Lord. (At the beginning of this journey, my faith is weakened - there are many questions unanswered, many hypocrisies overlooked, many inconsistencies unresolved. This is a journey for truth, and wisdom, and in all honesty for the Lord. Not the Lord given, but the one received....